A couple of years ago, I was that type of person to say I can't live with someone else. And now I'm living with my significant other. We moved in together right before the quarantine, and that makes it almost a year. So in today's post, I list the things I've learned living with my significant other (notice I don't use the term boyfriend).
1. You have to want it
It's not about the circumstances. If we weren't living together by the time we entered LOCKDOWN, I can't say for sure if we would've moved in together by the time we had to stay apart. Personally, I believe that if you have to live with someone, you really have to want it, otherwise you'd be miserable. I'm not talking about roommates here. Many a time financial reasons play a part in couples living together to split the bills. I'm really glad that was not our case, and we wanted it, and we were ready to share a home.
2. It takes time to want to live with someone
Sometimes, when we're in the beginning of a committed relationship, we might want to be with them all the time, but I believe that's because we have to spend only a few hours with the person that makes us want to be with them. Not every relationship is suitable for cohabitation (funny word).
As I mentioned, I couldn't bear the idea of sharing my space with another human being. As an introvert, I value my space and the time I spend by myself. Hence, I never imagined there'd come a time when I'd want to share this SACRED space with someone else. And now I don't even remember what it's like to be living alone. The switch from the older me to the newer me didn't come with a blink of an eye. It didn't come from one day to the next. It was gradual. It took a copious amount of time and scant effort to live together. And now we have moved into our forever home.
3. You have to live alone first
Not all people have the chance or the opportunity to live alone before they end up living with their partner. I suppose there are many reasons to that as per finances, personal insecurities, or maybe health issues. We both had the privilege to live alone before we met each other, and that was of importance to us because we learned who we are and we were able to set boundaries (see Thing's I've learned living alone).
4. You have to be selfless
If you want this cohabitation (lol) to work, you have to give up on some of the things you take for granted. For me it was singing at any given time of the day. I enjoy singing, and I do it a lot. But I know I have to respect his wanting silence after returning home from work. And most of the time, because he gets home later than I do, I get to do most of the cooking, which is a pleasure of mine, but also something I do to help out around here.
5. You have to be selfish
I like waking up early, while my SO likes to snooze. And although he gets upset when my alarm goes off in the morning, it's not something I'm willing to compromise.
There is a very thin line on being selfish and selfless. The thing is there are no rules on how to behave and the only way to set reasonable boundaries is to know yourself. And that's why I strongly believe you have to live alone first.
6. You don't have to agree to everything
This one is quite obvious to me, but I suppose it's not for everyone. There are many things a couple could argue on. The color of the walls, for instance, who needs more closet space, or who's turn it is to take out the trash. If you can't get past such minute arguments, then there's a greater issue, and perhaps you shouldn't be living with this person.
7. The important stuff matter
Whether you disagree on where the couch should go is but a minor conflict. Well, I wouldn't call it a conflict at all. The most important part of a successful cohabitation is agreeing on the bigger picture. Whether you both want kids or not for instance, and if you both do, you should also be agreeing on how to raise them. You don't have to have the exact same political and religious views (although it helps in some cases), and you don't have to be fans of the same movie genre (although it's a plus when you do), or love doing the same activities, indoor or outdoor. Friends are people you hang out with because you love the same activities, not your SO (again, it's a plus if you do, but not a requirement to be with them - definitely NOT a requirement). However, you should agree on the bigger picture of life. If one wants to live in the city and the other wants to live in the countryside, that will be an issue.
8. Don't get married if you haven't lived with them
Now, I know not many people have the chance or the opportunity to live with someone before marriage. I've had cousins living in a small village, married into a family of their parents' choice, due to religious beliefs, and let me tell you how sad that makes me feel. But if you have the choice, and the opportunity to live with them is given to you before getting married, do it. It will save you a hell lot of damage from marrying the wrong person and not finding it out till after you've shared a home (after marriage).
I believe a huge part of why this cohabitation (should this be a drinking game?) is working, is because neither of us wanted to live with somebody else. We happened to be both anti-marriage and anti-children when we met and that was something we both appreciated in one another: the freedom of enjoying the company of the other person without the pressure society has impeded on us, that we should, under no exception, get married and have kids before we reach a certain age. I used to run away from guys who were looking for a wife, and he was running away from girls who were looking for a husband. Meeting him was a relief on my part. And just because our relationship was not goal-oriented, rather it focused on enjoying each other's company, we are now able to live together in harmony, and discuss the possibility of getting married and starting a family in the future.
Commentaires