Low self-esteem that stems from self-doubt is more common than you might think. Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will. Will it ever go away? No. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? No.
I've been trying to deal with self-doubt all my life, yet all I manage to do is fall deeper into the rabbit hole. I've read about people overcoming doubt and leading normal lives as if it were fiction. I've tried confidence boost programs, I've read books on building self-esteem and eliminating doubt. They made me feel good for a couple of days, and then the negative thoughts came swirling and I was left with the same old me again. Nothing has worked so far in extinguishing the enemy. Mel Robbins says self-doubt is a habit. But it seems it's a bad habit I haven't been able to break in my 26 years of life.
If you thought this post was about getting rid of self-doubt once and for all, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm as lost as you are. Instead, this post is about how I manage to live my life in spite of the doubt.
1. Take breaks
I use the Pomodoro technique to organize my time and tasks throughout the day. Frequent breaks, every 25 minutes, are essential to recharging my brain. Sometimes, however, 5-minute breaks are not enough to eliminate my beasts that are the negative thoughts. So I take longer breaks whenever possible.
2. Connect with people who care
I'm tired of hearing "cut off toxic people". Sometimes that's possible, and cutting them off really helps, for a month or so. Getting rid of toxic people in my life did not help me at all with my confidence issues. I felt better at first, and then felt crappy again, because the problem wasn't toxicity. The problem was my thoughts.
Instead, what has helped me is talking to the people closest to me. Being open about it to my sister for instance, made her realize what I'm dealing with, and her explaining to me how she sees me, compared to how I see myself, made me realize how wrong I am and how little I think of myself, even though I've always been an achiever and high-performer.
So talk to the people you care about, and talk to the people who care about you. You’ll also be amazed how many people doubt themselves, too. It’s important to realize you’re not alone. Knowing that other people understand what you’re going through will also help.
And don't forget to be nice to the people around you. Remember many people doubt themselves just as you doubt yourself. So be nice to them, because you already know how they feel.
3. Spend time with yourself
Sometimes it helps to just sit somewhere alone with my thoughts and just write them down. As an introvert, spending time alone helps me recharge my batteries for the next day, and writing helps me organize my thoughts better. Most of the time, I feel much better after putting my thoughts on paper. It's like the burden has been lifted off my shoulders and transferred onto the paper, and I don't have to deal with it anymore. So I make time to write every day, even if it's just for 15 minutes or so.
4. Accept it and grow
Know that doubt is something that happens and stop fighting it. Accept it. Tons of people suffer from self-doubt. Learning to live with it will eventually help you grow as a person.
Doubt is not something you were born with. Someone transferred it to you without your permission, and when you realized it, it was already too late. Society, bad teachers, demanding parents, inexcusable bullies… Do you even remember who’s to blame after all these years? (Yes, you never forgot actually.) My point is, doubt could be beneficial from the moment you understand that you can use it as a way to improve. Just because you don’t believe in yourself as much as you should, it doesn’t mean you should give up. Keep going. And your doubt will make you better at what you do. Accept it. Grow.
5. Question your doubt
Make a list of all the things you’re proud of. Can you find ONE, just one thing you’ve accomplished in your life that makes you proud? Maybe you're proud for your cooking, or maybe you're really good at yoga. I'm proud for learning to speak for myself and learning how to say no. That’s enough to start questioning your doubt. But you have to do it constantly. Remind yourself how amazing you are then try to add more to the list. Convince yourself that you won’t let doubt harm your growth.
6. Do things that make you happy
Every 3-4 hours I do something that brings me joy. I always start my day by writing. I exercise every day (20-30 minutes), even when I don't feel like it, just to get some endorphins and positive feelings. Cooking is something I enjoy, so I try to make time for cooking everyday. And I read a couple of pages daily. These things help keep my confidence high for a few hours. So I try to include something in my schedule every 3-4 hours. When that's not possible, I would just take a break at work and sit down and draw for 15 minutes and then get back to work. Small things that make me happy are what keep me going. So go ahead and find the little things that bring you joy and spread them across your schedule.
7. Start your day on your own terms
I only found out how important this is during the quarantine. Not being able to go anywhere, and being locked at home for days in a row just made me feel hopeless. Just being at the university used to give a sense of control over my life. When I'm at the Department of Geology, I work, when I'm at the Department of Physics, I study, when I'm home, I write, and when I'm at the dance school, I dance. So all of a sudden the structure was gone. And I had to do everything at home. I had to work, study and write on the same desk, and about two meters away from my desk, inside the very same room, I had to workout. Being an introvert, at first I was thrilled to be at home. But things didn't go as well in the long-term. I lost motivation, I started questioning all the life choices I had ever made. I started wondering why the hell did I put myself into a such a busy schedule I couldn't keep up with. I moved my time blocks around all the time (see Time Management Techniques I Use) until I realized all I had to do was start my day with the ONE thing that brings me joy the most. You guessed it. Writing. As long as I've written my 700 words for the day, I'm at peace and the world could ask anything of me and I'll gladly do it.
Get up a couple of hours earlier and start your day on your own terms. Do what matters to you the most. And stay away from social media during that time. You don't want other people's posts to influence and determine how you're going to feel the rest of the day.
8. Never quit
You were not placed on this earth to be mediocre. Keep doing what you're doing until you succeed. Keep trying. Keep showing up. Go after your goals, no matter how hard you might be telling yourself it is. It's not. Get the knowledge and the skills you need to achieve your goal and just do it. One day at a time. Never quit.
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