I was going through my novel again last week, checking the formatting, to make sure everything is as should be before I give my final consent to my publisher. It struck me as odd how weird I felt the whole time I was reading it. It felt so intimate, as the longest piece of writing I've ever written should feel, yet at the same time, it felt so strange, as if I hadn't written it.
In the first couple of chapters I was excited to finally publish my first novel, following the traditional path, with the support of so many wonderful people. But as I went, self-doubt kept surfacing.
I've written a blog post in the past about Living with self-doubt. Now, however, I knew this wasn't it. Not only did I doubt my ability to tell stories, but I started questioning if I could even write at all. I felt I didn't deserve to be an author; I believed I was just lucky to get a book deal. I forgot all the years I put into improving my writing skills and how much I've been working for this my entire life.
It took me a couple of days to recognize what I felt as the emergence of impostor syndrome.
According to Google's dictionary, impostor syndrome is the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.
On the other hand, Dictionary.com gives the following definition: anxiety or self-doubt that results from persistently undervaluing one’s competence and active role in achieving success, while falsely attributing one's accomplishments to luck or other external forces.
And finally, according to The Oxford Dictionary, Impostor Syndrome is defined as doubting one's accomplishments and having a persistent, internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud.
Well, you get the idea. Apparently, it's a common phenomenon amongst all artists, professionals, and beyond. Hopefully it goes away sooner than later, so I can fully enjoy the publishing process.
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