Last week I intentionally decided I wasn't going to keep a to-do list. Not because I didn't need one, but rather because I didn't feel like it. I've been vigorously writing lists since the beginning of my PhD, a fact I only recently realized. Four years ago, and all the way back to my school years I didn't really write anything down when it came to stuff that needed to be done. Assignments, projects and homework were all stored in my brain until they were done; that's something I learned from my parents who would rather memorize the phone number of every person they knew than write it somewhere. We were never note-keepers, the Duras, and I'm reminded of this every time I'm on the phone with my family.
Things changed for me when I started my PhD and had more on my shoulders. It became impossible to remember everything, and trying to remember everything became overwhelming and something I couldn't deal with anymore without having an anxiety attack. Enter to-do lists.
To-dos and bullet journals and calendar blocking and apps like Trello and Notion for maximum productivity, to name a few, became my partner in crime. My relationship with these things escalated quickly until I was completely dependent on them. Since I was writing everything down now, I had no reason to remember them. How embarrassing is it to admit that I got to a point I couldn't actively recall anything anymore?
Entering my final year of PhD, I've been trying to simplify my life. I'm currently working exclusively on my thesis, and by this, I mean my working life revolves around my thesis, not my entire life. And one of the ways I thought could help me simplify was to get rid of to-dos and go the old-fashioned way, the way I always did it: store stuff in my brain, for a week, just to see what happens. Besides, part of simplifying my life also means that I don't have all the responsibilities I had the previous 3-4 years, so remembering the things I have to do should be easier, right?
So, how did it go, I hear you not ask...
Well, if I could describe the previous week with one word, I'd go for 're-meh-rkable'. I had the tendency to write things down, so I don't forget them, and I had to make myself stop each time. And just because I didn't allow myself to write anything down, I found myself constantly thinking about what I had to do. And yes, I did forget a few things, but mostly the unimportant ones. The important and urgent things that needed to be done never really left my mind, just like the good ol' days. No wonder I had no friends, my brain was constantly filled with homework I had to remember.
Jokes aside, I found myself constantly thinking about the things I was studying, too. Although I continued taking notes when reading a book or a paper, my brain had turned on some sort of alertness mode that had me constantly thinking about my research, but in a good way. Unlike the previous anxious thinking and tossing and turning about not being productive enough, now I was thinking that H=0.4, so that means that the conductivity mean-field is non-conservative, whatever that means.
Looking back at my no list approach, I am positively more focused than when I kept listing the things I had to do. Although I guess it might have confused my partner who was constantly asking me if I'm okay because I seemed carried away, but in reality, I was thinking about Schertzer and Lovejoy, 1989.
I know how unhealthy this sounds, constantly thinking about work/studying. I try to look at it as revision, though, or this active recalling studying method. Truth is I wasn't really thinking about work all day. I would go to the gym or for a walk and clear my head, hang out with friends, or watch a movie or a show etc. I studied in intervals and really didn't think much about work outside of my study sessions. It just happens that I was relaxed enough for my brain to make connections between things I read and complete a puzzle subconsciously. Then the puzzle would resurface seamlessly when I'm having dinner or something.
Altogether I suppose this system might work for me just as it worked in my previous life B.G. (Before Grad school). And as for the things I didn't do last week because I forgot, perhaps they weren't important anyway, and maybe it's okay not to do everything at the same time.
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